Life is about you. That's the conclusion I've made while analizing my life.
Four
months ago I had to make a choice whether I want to live a life full
of depressions, jealousy, hatred and contempt or I want to make a
change. I didn't understand why everything I wanted was just to stay at
home, close myself from the others and watch TV series. I had blamed
myself for this laziness and apathy but couldn't do anything with it.
I
knew that having finished my university studies I had to find a job. I
was trying to do that but it just didn't work out. Yeah, I have to
confess that I was not trying as hard as I proubably could because I
just didn't have any willingness to work. First, I could not imagine
myself working somewhere spending the whole day on doing something for
someone. Second, my education didn't let me work in some companies and
position in governmental structures is poorly paid.
I
concentrated myself on spiritiual search as I was always interested in
this. Everything unknown attracted me a lot. Yeah, how can you
concentrate on job if everything you are thinking about was spirits,
soul, God, saints, energies, aura, reincarnation, destiny,
self-development, the Deity, ancient beliefs, Providence, Invisible
things, the planet, vegetarianism, magic and so on. I was always sure
that there is a God, but not that one portrayed in religion. I was born
in atheistic country, relatives on my mom's side were muslim but I was
raised in orthodox surroundings. So, I had an image of both gods. And
it just didn't suit me. Later, I read about other christian brenches
and other religions. And my inner feeling always told me that there is
only one God.
So, 6 months ago I had been doing some
practices (meditation, yoga, etc.) for two months(which amazed me
because I'm lazy), I read some articles and books about it. Mostly
Indian and esoteric. Emm, I didn't understand much though. Later, I
found out about the idea of Enlightment. I just felt the need to get
it. I began to look for people who would already have this thing.
Finally, I found. They were talking about humans as parts of something
One (Absolut, Supreme, etc.). However, I had always had a feeling that
there is somethig missing in their talkings and they were repeating the
same quotes of famous spiritiual Teachers which I didn't understand
and their life seemed to be so boring. Honestly. 'You are more then
just your body', 'be youself', 'there is a great Love', 'you are not
what you think you are', 'love everyone', 'appreciate whatever it is
there to appreciate'. BLA-BLA-BLA. Ok, fine! Gonna do it... the
question is HOW?
Then I found videos of a girl who was
talkng about all the things that I'd been interested in and at the same
time she was alive. I mean she was full of emotions, happy and she
used simple words to explain those things. She somehow combined
everything I believed in with an emphasis on day-to-day life, joy, love
and everything-lies-within-you thing. We had chatted on the internet
until I realized that I'd like to meet in real life. One day, we agreed
on me coming to visit her and I immediately packed my stuff and took
train from St.Petersburg to Odessa, where she lived.
She
was developing her own let's call it science which she named as Alchemy
of Neyrons or shrotly Alneiro. It's aimed at understanding yourself,
your own wishes, dreams, feelings, thoughts, life experience and views.
As I said she was and still is developing this method of discovering
yourself, but she needed someone from outside world (someone apart from
her parents and ex-boyfriend) to try this on. I was ready for this
experiment and so we started to work.
Wow, it was a
really taugh time. I've never cried and laughed so much in my entire
life. I've experienced immense Tenderness towards everyone and
everything, raising of Kundalini (feels really hot sometimes), thought
stopping, groundless happiness and joy and other things which normally I
wouldn't be able to explain. Moreover, I was able to finally separate
what I really wanted from myself and what parents, other people or
society wanted from me. Nonetheless, the most impressive thing in this
experience was that she was doing nothing but asking me questions about
myself... Ok, twice she did as she puts it 'direct transfer', when she
held my hand and directly transfered her experience and Power of the
Source (term which I'm going to ponder on later).
The main
idea is to begin to love yourself in any of your states and faces. And
love commences from appreciating yourself through bodily generation of
the feeling of Gratitude which is easy (and it's a very important part
coz I'm lazy), i.e. appreciation which comes from real feeling and not
just words. I discovered that once you start doing this when you have
periods of depression or other negative feelings and you ask yourself
why those feelings occur to you, you start to understand the reason for
this 'negative' states.
I've never been so sincere with
anyone. I told her everything about me even those things I was not
proud of at all and everything I wanted is just to forget about them. I
talked about my relationships with parents, friends, boyfriends and
girlfriends, my thoughts on different life matters, my feelings of
hatred, contempt, jealousy and dissatisfaction with life. And the most
unbelievable thing here was that I've never encountered any judgement
from her. Never. Her power to understand any behaviour of mine was
incredible. At the same time, she never let me cross her own personal
boundaries and she never positioned herself as a good, understanding
person who is there to understand you and help you ('I'm not your
friend she had said'). On the contrary, she wanted me to start doing
this. She wanted me to start giving support and understanding to me by
myself. And it was truely amazing! Because for the first time in my
life I met a person who was really interested in what I have inside me
and didn't try to recommend or command what on her or his opinion I
should do. She kept saying 'use your own brains and body, those are
your main instruments. No other person will ever understand you as much
as you can do it'.
And so I did it and I began not to
seek support in others but give it to myself. I've been trying to
listen to me all the time trying to understand what I feel and why.
I've been asking questions to myself why do I want this, and why I
don't want that, why do I feel this and what would I like to feel. I've
learned to extract joy, happiness and good mood from within rather
than to wait it from other people, special situations or special
substances (well, that's drinks, drugs and so on). I've discovered that
emotinal and physical pain I've had are the best teachers and now I'm
trying to undertand those ghosts of the past because they are nothing
more than lessons which I decided to 'skip' concentrating on closing
myself from suffer and fearing it, whereas now It seems more reasonable
to understand all that pain so that it gave me Strength than fear. Now
I can see that my life is not about some sequence of
god-only-knows-how-it-happened events but it is full of meaning in
every situation. And I see my past as a bunch of unsolved puzzles now,
big parts of the picture I've already solved and the rest is becoming
more and more interesting because solving them means constructing
yourslef from within with an aim to be a genuinely dignified, loving
and compassionate human being I've always wanted to be.
So that's how my Quest for Myself started.
http://www.facebook.com/marat.shayzhanov
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Hi-hih ... I am that girl he has written about)))
