Life is about you. That's the conclusion I've made while analizing my life.
Four months ago I had to make a choice whether I want to live a life full of depressions, jealousy, hatred and contempt or I want to make a change. I didn't understand why everything I wanted was just to stay at home, close myself from the others and watch TV series. I had blamed myself for this laziness and apathy but couldn't do anything with it.
I knew that having finished my university studies I had to find a job. I was trying to do that but it just didn't work out. Yeah, I have to confess that I was not trying as hard as I proubably could because I just didn't have any willingness to work. First, I could not imagine myself working somewhere spending the whole day on doing something for someone. Second, my education didn't let me work in some companies and position in governmental structures is poorly paid.
I concentrated myself on spiritiual search as I was always interested in this. Everything unknown attracted me a lot. Yeah, how can you concentrate on job if everything you are thinking about was spirits, soul, God, saints, energies, aura, reincarnation, destiny, self-development, the Deity, ancient beliefs, Providence, Invisible things, the planet, vegetarianism, magic and so on. I was always sure that there is a God, but not that one portrayed in religion. I was born in atheistic country, relatives on my mom's side were muslim but I was raised in orthodox surroundings. So, I had an image of both gods. And it just didn't suit me. Later, I read about other christian brenches and other religions. And my inner feeling always told me that there is only one God.
So, 6 months ago I had been doing some practices (meditation, yoga, etc.) for two months(which amazed me because I'm lazy), I read some articles and books about it. Mostly Indian and esoteric. Emm, I didn't understand much though. Later, I found out about the idea of Enlightment. I just felt the need to get it. I began to look for people who would already have this thing. Finally, I found. They were talking about humans as parts of something One (Absolut, Supreme, etc.). However, I had always had a feeling that there is somethig missing in their talkings and they were repeating the same quotes of famous spiritiual Teachers which I didn't understand and their life seemed to be so boring. Honestly. 'You are more then just your body', 'be youself', 'there is a great Love', 'you are not what you think you are', 'love everyone', 'appreciate whatever it is there to appreciate'. BLA-BLA-BLA. Ok, fine! Gonna do it... the question is HOW?
Then I found videos of a girl who was talkng about all the things that I'd been interested in and at the same time she was alive. I mean she was full of emotions, happy and she used simple words to explain those things. She somehow combined everything I believed in with an emphasis on day-to-day life, joy, love and everything-lies-within-you thing. We had chatted on the internet until I realized that I'd like to meet in real life. One day, we agreed on me coming to visit her and I immediately packed my stuff and took train from St.Petersburg to Odessa, where she lived.
She was developing her own let's call it science which she named as Alchemy of Neyrons or shrotly Alneiro. It's aimed at understanding yourself, your own wishes, dreams, feelings, thoughts, life experience and views. As I said she was and still is developing this method of discovering yourself, but she needed someone from outside world (someone apart from her parents and ex-boyfriend) to try this on. I was ready for this experiment and so we started to work.
Wow, it was a really taugh time. I've never cried and laughed so much in my entire life. I've experienced immense Tenderness towards everyone and everything, raising of Kundalini (feels really hot sometimes), thought stopping, groundless happiness and joy and other things which normally I wouldn't be able to explain. Moreover, I was able to finally separate what I really wanted from myself and what parents, other people or society wanted from me. Nonetheless, the most impressive thing in this experience was that she was doing nothing but asking me questions about myself... Ok, twice she did as she puts it 'direct transfer', when she held my hand and directly transfered her experience and Power of the Source (term which I'm going to ponder on later).
The main idea is to begin to love yourself in any of your states and faces. And love commences from appreciating yourself through bodily generation of the feeling of Gratitude which is easy (and it's a very important part coz I'm lazy), i.e. appreciation which comes from real feeling and not just words. I discovered that once you start doing this when you have periods of depression or other negative feelings and you ask yourself why those feelings occur to you, you start to understand the reason for this 'negative' states.
I've never been so sincere with anyone. I told her everything about me even those things I was not proud of at all and everything I wanted is just to forget about them. I talked about my relationships with parents, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, my thoughts on different life matters, my feelings of hatred, contempt, jealousy and dissatisfaction with life. And the most unbelievable thing here was that I've never encountered any judgement from her. Never. Her power to understand any behaviour of mine was incredible. At the same time, she never let me cross her own personal boundaries and she never positioned herself as a good, understanding person who is there to understand you and help you ('I'm not your friend she had said'). On the contrary, she wanted me to start doing this. She wanted me to start giving support and understanding to me by myself. And it was truely amazing! Because for the first time in my life I met a person who was really interested in what I have inside me and didn't try to recommend or command what on her or his opinion I should do. She kept saying 'use your own brains and body, those are your main instruments. No other person will ever understand you as much as you can do it'.
And so I did it and I began not to seek support in others but give it to myself. I've been trying to listen to me all the time trying to understand what I feel and why. I've been asking questions to myself why do I want this, and why I don't want that, why do I feel this and what would I like to feel. I've learned to extract joy, happiness and good mood from within rather than to wait it from other people, special situations or special substances (well, that's drinks, drugs and so on). I've discovered that emotinal and physical pain I've had are the best teachers and now I'm trying to undertand those ghosts of the past because they are nothing more than lessons which I decided to 'skip' concentrating on closing myself from suffer and fearing it, whereas now It seems more reasonable to understand all that pain so that it gave me Strength than fear. Now I can see that my life is not about some sequence of god-only-knows-how-it-happened events but it is full of meaning in every situation. And I see my past as a bunch of unsolved puzzles now, big parts of the picture I've already solved and the rest is becoming more and more interesting because solving them means constructing yourslef from within with an aim to be a genuinely dignified, loving and compassionate human being I've always wanted to be.
So that's how my Quest for Myself started. http://www.facebook.com/marat.shayzhanov
__________***
Hi-hih ... I am that girl he has written about)))
Four months ago I had to make a choice whether I want to live a life full of depressions, jealousy, hatred and contempt or I want to make a change. I didn't understand why everything I wanted was just to stay at home, close myself from the others and watch TV series. I had blamed myself for this laziness and apathy but couldn't do anything with it.
I knew that having finished my university studies I had to find a job. I was trying to do that but it just didn't work out. Yeah, I have to confess that I was not trying as hard as I proubably could because I just didn't have any willingness to work. First, I could not imagine myself working somewhere spending the whole day on doing something for someone. Second, my education didn't let me work in some companies and position in governmental structures is poorly paid.
I concentrated myself on spiritiual search as I was always interested in this. Everything unknown attracted me a lot. Yeah, how can you concentrate on job if everything you are thinking about was spirits, soul, God, saints, energies, aura, reincarnation, destiny, self-development, the Deity, ancient beliefs, Providence, Invisible things, the planet, vegetarianism, magic and so on. I was always sure that there is a God, but not that one portrayed in religion. I was born in atheistic country, relatives on my mom's side were muslim but I was raised in orthodox surroundings. So, I had an image of both gods. And it just didn't suit me. Later, I read about other christian brenches and other religions. And my inner feeling always told me that there is only one God.
So, 6 months ago I had been doing some practices (meditation, yoga, etc.) for two months(which amazed me because I'm lazy), I read some articles and books about it. Mostly Indian and esoteric. Emm, I didn't understand much though. Later, I found out about the idea of Enlightment. I just felt the need to get it. I began to look for people who would already have this thing. Finally, I found. They were talking about humans as parts of something One (Absolut, Supreme, etc.). However, I had always had a feeling that there is somethig missing in their talkings and they were repeating the same quotes of famous spiritiual Teachers which I didn't understand and their life seemed to be so boring. Honestly. 'You are more then just your body', 'be youself', 'there is a great Love', 'you are not what you think you are', 'love everyone', 'appreciate whatever it is there to appreciate'. BLA-BLA-BLA. Ok, fine! Gonna do it... the question is HOW?
Then I found videos of a girl who was talkng about all the things that I'd been interested in and at the same time she was alive. I mean she was full of emotions, happy and she used simple words to explain those things. She somehow combined everything I believed in with an emphasis on day-to-day life, joy, love and everything-lies-within-you thing. We had chatted on the internet until I realized that I'd like to meet in real life. One day, we agreed on me coming to visit her and I immediately packed my stuff and took train from St.Petersburg to Odessa, where she lived.
She was developing her own let's call it science which she named as Alchemy of Neyrons or shrotly Alneiro. It's aimed at understanding yourself, your own wishes, dreams, feelings, thoughts, life experience and views. As I said she was and still is developing this method of discovering yourself, but she needed someone from outside world (someone apart from her parents and ex-boyfriend) to try this on. I was ready for this experiment and so we started to work.
Wow, it was a really taugh time. I've never cried and laughed so much in my entire life. I've experienced immense Tenderness towards everyone and everything, raising of Kundalini (feels really hot sometimes), thought stopping, groundless happiness and joy and other things which normally I wouldn't be able to explain. Moreover, I was able to finally separate what I really wanted from myself and what parents, other people or society wanted from me. Nonetheless, the most impressive thing in this experience was that she was doing nothing but asking me questions about myself... Ok, twice she did as she puts it 'direct transfer', when she held my hand and directly transfered her experience and Power of the Source (term which I'm going to ponder on later).
The main idea is to begin to love yourself in any of your states and faces. And love commences from appreciating yourself through bodily generation of the feeling of Gratitude which is easy (and it's a very important part coz I'm lazy), i.e. appreciation which comes from real feeling and not just words. I discovered that once you start doing this when you have periods of depression or other negative feelings and you ask yourself why those feelings occur to you, you start to understand the reason for this 'negative' states.
I've never been so sincere with anyone. I told her everything about me even those things I was not proud of at all and everything I wanted is just to forget about them. I talked about my relationships with parents, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, my thoughts on different life matters, my feelings of hatred, contempt, jealousy and dissatisfaction with life. And the most unbelievable thing here was that I've never encountered any judgement from her. Never. Her power to understand any behaviour of mine was incredible. At the same time, she never let me cross her own personal boundaries and she never positioned herself as a good, understanding person who is there to understand you and help you ('I'm not your friend she had said'). On the contrary, she wanted me to start doing this. She wanted me to start giving support and understanding to me by myself. And it was truely amazing! Because for the first time in my life I met a person who was really interested in what I have inside me and didn't try to recommend or command what on her or his opinion I should do. She kept saying 'use your own brains and body, those are your main instruments. No other person will ever understand you as much as you can do it'.
And so I did it and I began not to seek support in others but give it to myself. I've been trying to listen to me all the time trying to understand what I feel and why. I've been asking questions to myself why do I want this, and why I don't want that, why do I feel this and what would I like to feel. I've learned to extract joy, happiness and good mood from within rather than to wait it from other people, special situations or special substances (well, that's drinks, drugs and so on). I've discovered that emotinal and physical pain I've had are the best teachers and now I'm trying to undertand those ghosts of the past because they are nothing more than lessons which I decided to 'skip' concentrating on closing myself from suffer and fearing it, whereas now It seems more reasonable to understand all that pain so that it gave me Strength than fear. Now I can see that my life is not about some sequence of god-only-knows-how-it-happened events but it is full of meaning in every situation. And I see my past as a bunch of unsolved puzzles now, big parts of the picture I've already solved and the rest is becoming more and more interesting because solving them means constructing yourslef from within with an aim to be a genuinely dignified, loving and compassionate human being I've always wanted to be.
So that's how my Quest for Myself started. http://www.facebook.com/marat.shayzhanov
__________***
Hi-hih ... I am that girl he has written about)))
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